That man Van
South Africa's own Super hero
Van, or Jakobus Johannes “Koos” Van der Merwe, as he would like to be known as (he applied for a new ID in 1996 and is still waiting for re-issue), is South Africa’s version of Paddy and others, those characters of dubious origin who represent all that is funny about a country. The best way to describe him is that he wears a Khaki hat, Safari suit, Free State Rugby socks pulled to under his knock knees and veldskoene. The guy isn’t very tall, is of stocky build and has a broom moustache propping up a droopy nose.
Van is a farmer from somewhere in the Free State as far as I can gather and a very successful one too because you’ll never hear about Van actually doing a stitch of work. He is too busy travelling the world, causing chaos and mayhem as far as he goes.
Van has friends: he is often seen in the company of Kallie Knoetze and Mike Schutte (who sadly passed away in 2008), both former heavyweight boxers and ex South African Heavyweight champions. As a sidebar, I believe Mike Schutte has a cousin who plays cricket for the Proteas; the guy’s name is Been Schutte.
Anyway, on to some of the true stories I’ve heard about That man Van:
Van and Flying
Van is flying from Jan Smuts/ Johannesburg International/ O R Tambo (Take your pick: the airport’s name changes so often it’s a joke!) to London on South African Airways (in the days before the crew were arrested for dope smuggling).
Somewhere between here and there, the captain comes onto the radio: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a technical difficulty with the outer port engine and are going to switch it off as a precaution. Don’t be alarmed; this aircraft can fly on three engines quite comfortably, but we’re going to be half an hour late getting to London.”
It’s fine and the flight continues. About an hour later there’s a snap, crackle and pop and another engine dies. The captain comes over the radio again: ” Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have had another technical difficulty with the outer starboard engine this time and we are going to switch it off as a precaution. Don’t be alarmed; this aircraft can fly on two engines quite comfortably, but we’re going to be 3 hours late getting to London.”
Everything’s fine and the flight continues. Another hour later there’s another snap, crackle and pop and another engine dies. The captain comes over the radio again: ” Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have had another technical difficulty with the inner starboard engine and we are switching it off as a precaution too. This is an extraordinary situation, but don’t be alarmed; this Boeing can fly on a single engine quite comfortably, but we’re going to be 5 hours late getting to London.”
The passengers are now getting tense. Van turns to the guy sitting next to him and says: “Jis, I hope to god this last engine doesn’t go out; we’ll be stuck up here all night!”
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Van and his cousins, Paddy and George are sitting in a bar at an airfield watching an air show.
Paddy: “I once flew a Cessna so high the wheels froze and I had to crash land in the middle of Buckingham Palace.”
George, the American, nods. “Impressive, but I once flew an F-16 so high that the fuel lines froze and I had to crash land on the Lawns of the White House.”
Paddy nods, knowing he had been outdone. Van sits there, not saying a word. George turns to him and says: “And you? How high have you gone?”
Van looks at them both: “I once flew a Harvard so high that the fuel lines froze, my helmet fogged up and the sun blinded me.”
Paddy and George are impressed. Says Van: “And to crown it all, my nose began top bleed and my eardrums burst and my eyes wanted to pop out of my head and just as I was going into a black out I looked at my altimeter and saw how high I was and shouted ‘My God!’ and then this big booming voice from outside the plane answered: ‘Yes, Van?’”
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Van was taking a tour of the Boeing factory in Seattle and at some stage the tour got to see the test pilots taking the just built planes up for a final test flight.
The first plane goes up and goes through its set drills. The next minute the wings are ripped off on the fuselage and the plane crashes to the ground, the pilots barely escaping alive.
The second plane goes up and goes through its set drills. The next minute its wings are also ripped off on the fuselage and the plane crashes to the ground, the pilots barely escaping alive.
By now the engineers watching this lot are becoming embarrassed by this P R disaster unfolding in front of them. A third plane goes up and goes through its drills. The next minute the wings are ripped off on the fuselage again and the plane crashes to the ground, the pilots also barely escaping alive.
The engineers can’t believe it. They pull out the plans, crunch the numbers on the calculators but they can’t out what the hell is happening. Van wanders over to the fourth plane waiting to take off. He steps onto the wing and walks along the line where the wings are being ripped off. He turns to the engineers and says to them: “I think I’ve found the problem. I want a drill and a moerse big drill bit; the bigger, the better.”
The engineers have no idea what’s going on but they’re out of ideas so they send for the drill and the bit. Van takes the drill and proceeds to drill several holes millimeters apart on the tear line. When he’s done he jumps off and tells the test pilot to take it up for a spin. The guy freaks out and refuses.
Eventually they convince him to take the plane up and give him a parachute for safety as well. The pilot takes the plane up and does his drills without so much as a hint of a mechanical failure. The engineers are astounded and want to know from Van how he solved the problem.
Van turns to them and says: “Easy; have you ever succeeded in tearing anything that’s been perforated off on the perforation?”
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Van attends the Bothaville agricultural show and is watching the skydivers get ready to jump. The plane goes up to 5000 feet and the first parachutist jumps out. He pulls his ripcord, but there’s nothing and he plummets to his death.
The parachutist jumps out; pulls his ripcord, but there’s nothing and he too plummets to his death.
By now the crowd is getting worried. Van turns to George, his American cousin, who’s watching the show with him and says: “I bet you fifty bucks, the next bloke who jumps is also going to fall himself to death.”
George likes a bet. “You’re on,” he says.
The third jumper exits the plane and he too is wiped out in the sand. George can’t believe it. He takes out the 50 and hands it to Van. “How the hell did you know he was going to die?”
“Easy,” says Van, “nothing ever opens in the Free State on Sundays.”
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Van was in the final phase of his parabat training at Tempe military base in Bloem. The last thing they had to do before getting their wings was to jump from a Dakota at 10 000 feet and land on a huge, red “X” on the base parade ground.
Van and the rest of the candidates board the plane and it takes off. At 9500 feet the instructor stands up and yells to them: “When the light goes green you jump out of the plane, yell ‘Shaka Zulu’ pull your ripcord and get your ass onto that red square on the ground.“
They reach 10 000 feet and the first bat jumps from the plane at the green light, yells “Shaka Zulu” and pulls the ripcord. The rest of the bats follow suit until it’s Van’s turn. Van jumps from the plane like he was taught. Satisfied, the Instructor closes the door and walks to his seat by the crew up front.
Suddenly they hear this furious banging at the back of the plane. Fearing that somebody may have gotten their chute trapped on the plane, the Instructor rushes back and opens the door: there is Van out of breath and furiously flapping his arms to stay with the plane. Between breaths he gasps at the Instructor: “Hey, what’s the name of that damn Zulu again?”
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Mayor Van der Merwe of Lichtenburg was attending a mayoral seminar somewhere in the bush and happens to run into a nemesis of his: the mayor of Kakamas.
They are discussing budgets and Van says: “Last year we spent 10 million on a new rugby stadium.”
Not to be outdone, the Mayor of Kakamas pipes up: “Ag, that’s nothing: we spent 20 million on a new golf course.”
Van is the hell-in, so he stands up and says, “This year we’re building a new road to Cape Town.”
The mayor of Kakamas stands up and says pompously: “By the time your road is finished, our super highway to Cairo will be completed too.”
It carries on like this all day and Van is getting more and more fed up for him. Finally, he can’t take it anymore and he turns to his nemesis and says:” My people love me so much, they call me ‘Die Lig van Lichtenburg’; what do your people call you?”
Enough said.
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If you have any more Van jokes, send them to me here
